Camikaze.

FACTOID 1.5

Mon, 16 Nov 2009 04:42:48 GMT

I also enjoy looking at installed programs and deleting
anything that has been used "frequently" or over 55 hours.
This is to ensure the end of MMORPGs in the lives of those I love.

Sun, 15 Nov 2009 17:33:10 GMT

"Smell this. It smells like oranges."

Tue, 10 Nov 2009 22:22:21 GMT

Tue, 10 Nov 2009 18:23:03 GMT

"Grace," taught a debtor
"Daily I'm strained to be."
God, how I feel it.
Fetter pride to your feet.

I'm going to leave you the first chance I get.

Sun, 08 Nov 2009 23:27:52 GMT

  "Ya know, kiddo; Love isn't some one-time-deal. Every new Love will be like your first breath of fresh air. It'll be the most passionate and truthful Love you've ever felt, every time. And sometimes Love doesn't confine you to just one person, sometimes you just Love too many people."

  "Have you ever loved more than one person at a time, Ma?"

  "Me? Hell no, I loved weed and I loved to get drunk. I never loved anybody as much as I loved myself.. Did I ever tell you about when my dad found my cigarette butts in the ashtray and ran around telling my mom he knew about 'the little whoreman' he thought she was seeing. He hollered whoreman for two hours before my mom made me come smoke a cigarette in front of him.. Hah."

Sun, 08 Nov 2009 12:01:40 GMT

My mind is too full, I am facing too many directions at once.
A scent so vaguely familiar and heady it makes me dizzy.
I cannot catch my heart, I don't know up from down.

The sweet and sleepy sigh coming from your nose;
I'm an addict, and I only need to taste your air.
It is something I had been with for too long,
to suddenly be without.

[Even my dreams are not safe from the ways in which I miss you.]

Wed, 28 Oct 2009 21:16:44 GMT

Tabula rasa.

That's all, I guess.

Mon, 26 Oct 2009 21:21:50 GMT

Strangely, not working has caused me to spend
even less time indoors or on this damned computer
than I would ever have otherwise.

I'm just not around much anymore, but I do read your posts.

Come help us plan a park picnic,
or share this bottle of wine and a movie.
I miss having friends, terribly.

♥

PS: Twilight was the absolute last thing left in my house unread;
so I read it and I really liked it, because I have always loved corny Young Adult
and it's awkward and funny and not really well written and it made no sense.
And that is exactly my favourite type of book to read, so badmouth me if you want.
I have a feeling I probably wouldn't like it any more if I watched the movie,
but it did just fine as a teenage pre-romance novel, and I want to read the rest.

Tue, 20 Oct 2009 13:48:58 GMT

Sometimes I lose focus,
sometimes I forget why
I'm really here.

I get stressed out about not
having a job, or my friends,
or men in my life,
or whatever.

But it's really all about this, isn't it?
I get to go to a different park every
day with the most fun and amazing kid
I've ever known.

I get to make breakfast, lunch, and dinner
to fill her hungry and curious belly.
I get to read her stacks of books and
put her to bed at night.

Shame on me if I ever again whine about
what I don't have; what a selfish thing.
Shame on me if I forget how much
I have been given.

What a lucky girl I am.

Mon, 19 Oct 2009 17:46:09 GMT

Well shit.
I have led a sordid
little life.

Look at all
the men I've
torn up,
look at all the
hearts I've
eaten whole.

I could not count
them with all
my fingers
and toes.

Sometimes I hardly
remember their
names.

I used to be
naive, innocent, sad.
I used to be a victim.

But I wised up,
and cut that right
the fuck out.

Now look what
I have to
show for it.

Nothing.

Sat, 17 Oct 2009 14:15:10 GMT

I woke and could feel you, but no warmth of which to speak.

involuntary pleasure center.
switch off, switch on, turn over.
breathe in, breathe out.
engage, embrace, writhe.
dilate, detract, contract.
breathe in, breathe in.
gasp, moan, sweat, sex.
shiver, shudder, explode.
breathe in, breathe in.
conscious, unconscious.
subconscious, blink.
breathe out, breathe in.

bitter.sweet.savory.
tightly, softly, achingly,
blossom. open. share.

Thu, 15 Oct 2009 15:55:17 GMT

Alex is a jerk.

:D

Thu, 15 Oct 2009 14:15:21 GMT

Middle school.
Wearing each others hoodies.
Holding hands behind our backs
at the top of the bleachers.

It was never good for me;
I was never really happy.
But I do remember that
was before anything
was complicated or ugly.

Will is kind of a jerk,
but it wouldn't be the same.
At least now he spends all his time
telling my my "boobies" are nice,
and that I should wear shorter skirts;
instead of how weird all my freckles are
or that I drooled on my desk in Geography.

Maybe I wasn't really going
anywhere with this story,
but I always remember times
when I liked who I was.

Mon, 12 Oct 2009 14:07:27 GMT

I'm happier, and more confused, than I've ever been.
If only things would start to straighten out. ♥

Fri, 09 Oct 2009 22:51:09 GMT

All our accidents were purposeful, and felt
stripped of providence or any way to tell;
but our intentions were intangible and sweet.
Sick with simple math and shy discoveries
piled up against our impending defeat.

Fri, 09 Oct 2009 03:42:41 GMT

Cookies. Ducks. Quack.

I don't get a day off til Sunday, maybe.
I just want to wake up at noon. :[

Thu, 08 Oct 2009 05:17:17 GMT

Being home still feels awkward.
I have work in an hour and a half.

I passed out this afternoon and
slept for about five hours,
and I still feel like I never
got any sleep at all.

How can I sleep so well somewhere else,
but toss and turn restlessly in my own bed?

Jesus, just let me sleep.

Tue, 06 Oct 2009 21:05:28 GMT

Kansas 2.0 was amazing.

Alex Law is a ridiculous man.
The camera he bought me is
just as ridiculous.

I am too lazy to resize all
the pictures just yet.

I have not even unpacked.

I don't want to work tomorrow.

Fri, 02 Oct 2009 08:47:06 GMT

   So I'm sitting here at the gate, waiting to board. At least this time I am ON TIME, have my laptop, and can entertain myself. I'm pretty excited about this trip, no lie. Why am I ever writing this is kind of the most douchebag thing to do, it's hilarious.

   Anyway, I'm going to enjoy all this time on a damn plane, and a backpack that weighs 45 tons. I'll post and send pictures as I go.

   Muah ♥

"For Emma"

Wed, 30 Sep 2009 22:58:19 GMT

Go find another lover;
To bring a- to string along!

With all your lies,
You're still very lovable.

Tue, 29 Sep 2009 18:39:06 GMT

After all this time, it's just better to not know.

It doesn't even hurt anymore. I just feel sick because it
made me realize how sad and stupid I have been all along.

What drove it home is that
you still miss her, and I'll
never be able to compete.

Mon, 28 Sep 2009 02:16:37 GMT

Fat and Happy

  Right now I weigh more than I ever have at any time in my life, other than being pregnant with Aria [167]. Somewhere around 145, at the moment. That's not fat per se; however for a girl who is 5'4", it's not necessarily what one could consider "small."

  I realized at some point this week that I don't really care anymore. I got up to 135 about six months ago after being on this new job for a few months- skipping breakfast, grabbing whatever for lunch, and having dinner and going right to bed. At first, as I saw the numbers on the scale climb higher and higher, I thought "Oh my god, I HAVE to get back down to 120." Now I've kind of realized that it doesn't matter.

  I'm not a tiny person. I never have been. I'm Irish, I like food, and goddamnit I have a big ass. It's a fact of life, and it happens to be a very attractive and defining feature; according to most of the men who know me. My boobs are getting bigger thanks to the birth control, and that has been funky. I'm used to going bra-less in a tank top. It's certainly an adjustment to have something to cover up.

  However, I'm not unhappy. I want to exercise and tone up some; but it's not to lose weight, really. I just don't feel as healthy as I could be right now. I'll still get naked anywhere, anytime. I'm just not going to do jumping jacks or anything. Trust me. I'm way more attractive standing still, with all this jiggle, right now.

  Along with a new outlook on my physique, are changes with the rest of my attributes. My skin is getting a thousand times clearer and my [generally brittle and slow-growing] nails are long and strong and beautiful. I've just redyed my hair. A new colour, finally. This is "Medium Golden Mahogany Auburn." After a few washes, it should be closer to my natural colour, which is exciting. I guess for the most part I'm happier with myself than I've ever been.

  This story doesn't really have a lesson. The rest of my life is just as weird and confusing. I am still extremely excited for Kansas. My first period after the procedure came and went. It was.. strange, to say the least. Heavy in the morning and almost non-existent past 5pm, with horrible cramps randomly at all times. A mixture of my body going back to it's cycle, and adjusting to a new birth control. Oh well. All one can do is appreciate the good things one has, right? :]

Fri, 11 Sep 2009 15:15:59 GMT

Hi, I'm Cami And I Have Absolutely No Self Esteem.

It was chipped away at when I was young,
and cracked gradually over the years;
until, eventually, the day it came
crumbling down entirely.

I've been waffling about the decision
to stop living my life the way I have been
and change, for quite a while.

I'm not doing that anymore.

Hi, I'm Cami And I Choose To Be My Own Catalyst.

I don't know how it's become such a problem,
keep you up all night if I try to remain calm.
How can they ask why I feel so angry?
Do you see my problem if I never explain it?
But then there's you, asking me how long.
Say something, it's taken me so long.

Wed, 09 Sep 2009 23:29:00 GMT

Bonbons!

My kid cracks me up.

Me: "What do you want for lunch?"
Aria: "Cheese sammich."
Me: "Do you want a Jello after?"
Aria: "No."
Me: "What about pudding?"
Aria: "No."
Me: "Then do you want a banana?"
Aria: "No."
Me: "WELL WHAT DO YOU WANT?"
Aria: "Jello."
Me: "You're dumb."
Aria: "MAMA! YOU'RE A BUTTHEAD."

Indeed. :D

Sat, 05 Sep 2009 21:08:46 GMT

Jesus, I have a big forehead.

[Spent the afternoon reading beside the pool.]

"Youth In Revolt."
The book is better than the movie looks to be,
although still very worth watching, probably.
I'm definitely enjoying life more now that
Aria is older, and I have time to read again.

Damn it to hell, I'm sick again and feel like butt.
Josh is coughing and wallowing about a sore throat too.

I'm tired. God shit.