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Camikaze.

I Choose My Own End

11/15/09 11:42 pm - FACTOID 1.5

I also enjoy looking at installed programs and deleting
anything that has been used "frequently" or over 55 hours.
This is to ensure the end of MMORPGs in the lives of those I love.

11/15/09 11:02 pm - FACTOID 1

I'm going to try a week of random facts about myself
you may have never known, mostly because I hardly ever use livejournal
anymore and mostly it is nonsense.

I change the password to other people's computers
to words like "tachycardia" and "extrapolate."

11/15/09 12:33 pm



"Smell this. It smells like oranges."

11/10/09 05:22 pm


11/10/09 01:16 pm



"Grace," taught a debtor
"Daily I'm strained to be."
God, how I feel it.
Fetter pride to your feet.

I'm going to leave you the first chance I get.

11/8/09 06:07 pm



  "Ya know, kiddo; Love isn't some one-time-deal. Every new Love will be like your first breath of fresh air. It'll be the most passionate and truthful Love you've ever felt, every time. And sometimes Love doesn't confine you to just one person, sometimes you just Love too many people."

  "Have you ever loved more than one person at a time, Ma?"

  "Me? Hell no, I loved weed and I loved to get drunk. I never loved anybody as much as I loved myself.. Did I ever tell you about when my dad found my cigarette butts in the ashtray and ran around telling my mom he knew about 'the little whoreman' he thought she was seeing. He hollered whoreman for two hours before my mom made me come smoke a cigarette in front of him.. Hah."

11/8/09 06:50 am



My mind is too full, I am facing too many directions at once.
A scent so vaguely familiar and heady it makes me dizzy.
I cannot catch my heart, I don't know up from down.

The sweet and sleepy sigh coming from your nose;
I'm an addict, and I only need to taste your air.
It is something I had been with for too long,
to suddenly be without.

[Even my dreams are not safe from the ways in which I miss you.]

10/28/09 05:14 pm



Tabula rasa.


That's all, I guess.

10/26/09 05:18 pm



Strangely, not working has caused me to spend
even less time indoors or on this damned computer
than I would ever have otherwise.

I'm just not around much anymore, but I do read your posts.

Come help us plan a park picnic,
or share this bottle of wine and a movie.
I miss having friends, terribly.

♥

PS: Twilight was the absolute last thing left in my house unread;
so I read it and I really liked it, because I have always loved corny Young Adult
and it's awkward and funny and not really well written and it made no sense.
And that is exactly my favourite type of book to read, so badmouth me if you want.
I have a feeling I probably wouldn't like it any more if I watched the movie,
but it did just fine as a teenage pre-romance novel, and I want to read the rest.

10/20/09 09:44 am



Sometimes I lose focus,
sometimes I forget why
I'm really here.

I get stressed out about not
having a job, or my friends,
or men in my life,
or whatever.

But it's really all about this, isn't it?
I get to go to a different park every
day with the most fun and amazing kid
I've ever known.

I get to make breakfast, lunch, and dinner
to fill her hungry and curious belly.
I get to read her stacks of books and
put her to bed at night.

Shame on me if I ever again whine about
what I don't have; what a selfish thing.
Shame on me if I forget how much
I have been given.

What a lucky girl I am.

10/19/09 01:40 pm



Well shit.
I have led a sordid
little life.

Look at all
the men I've
torn up,
look at all the
hearts I've
eaten whole.

I could not count
them with all
my fingers
and toes.

Sometimes I hardly
remember their
names.

I used to be
naive, innocent, sad.
I used to be a victim.

But I wised up,
and cut that right
the fuck out.

Now look what
I have to
show for it.

Nothing.

10/17/09 10:09 am

I woke and could feel you, but no warmth of which to speak.



involuntary pleasure center.
switch off, switch on, turn over.
breathe in, breathe out.
engage, embrace, writhe.
dilate, detract, contract.
breathe in, breathe in.
gasp, moan, sweat, sex.
shiver, shudder, explode.
breathe in, breathe in.
conscious, unconscious.
subconscious, blink.
breathe out, breathe in.

bitter.sweet.savory.
tightly, softly, achingly,
blossom. open. share.

10/15/09 11:54 am



Alex is a jerk.

:D

10/15/09 10:07 am



Middle school.
Wearing each others hoodies.
Holding hands behind our backs
at the top of the bleachers.

It was never good for me;
I was never really happy.
But I do remember that
was before anything
was complicated or ugly.

Will is kind of a jerk,
but it wouldn't be the same.
At least now he spends all his time
telling my my "boobies" are nice,
and that I should wear shorter skirts;
instead of how weird all my freckles are
or that I drooled on my desk in Geography.

Maybe I wasn't really going
anywhere with this story,
but I always remember times
when I liked who I was.

10/12/09 10:06 am



I'm happier, and more confused, than I've ever been.
If only things would start to straighten out. ♥

10/9/09 06:49 pm



All our accidents were purposeful, and felt
stripped of providence or any way to tell;
but our intentions were intangible and sweet.
Sick with simple math and shy discoveries
piled up against our impending defeat.

10/8/09 11:35 pm



Cookies. Ducks. Quack.


I don't get a day off til Sunday, maybe.
I just want to wake up at noon. :[

10/8/09 01:15 am



Being home still feels awkward.
I have work in an hour and a half.

I passed out this afternoon and
slept for about five hours,
and I still feel like I never
got any sleep at all.


How can I sleep so well somewhere else,
but toss and turn restlessly in my own bed?


Jesus, just let me sleep.

10/6/09 04:59 pm



Kansas 2.0 was amazing.

Alex Law is a ridiculous man.
The camera he bought me is
just as ridiculous.

I am too lazy to resize all
the pictures just yet.

I have not even unpacked.

I don't want to work tomorrow.

10/2/09 04:45 am

   So I'm sitting here at the gate, waiting to board. At least this time I am ON TIME, have my laptop, and can entertain myself. I'm pretty excited about this trip, no lie. Why am I ever writing this is kind of the most douchebag thing to do, it's hilarious.

   Anyway, I'm going to enjoy all this time on a damn plane, and a backpack that weighs 45 tons. I'll post and send pictures as I go.

   Muah ♥
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